Poker Face(t)

The real poker face

Poker Face Archetypes

When playing live poker, your poker face constitutes up to 50% of your game. It is immensely important to not give your opponents any clue as to what hand you are holding, especially in a poker game such as Texas Hold'em where only two of your cards are unseen. In this article we will discourse on a few poker face archetypes; ranging from weak to impenetrable.

Before we move on the archetypes there is a question that needs answering. What defines a good poker face? Is it the indifference to the cards and the money at stake? Is it the inconsistency in the displayed emotions? Or is it how intimidating it is? Truth be told, being indifferent and intimidating is much more important than being emotionally inconsistent. It is very easy to tell fake and genuine feelings apart, even for a socially handicapped geek, and therefore it is best to keep emotions to a minimum, no matter how inconsistently you display them. Just keep it simple and stay cold. However, this does not mean that you should withdraw into yourself. On the contrary, you need to direct all your focus outwards. It is all about control. To never give in to your own fear, anger or joy. It is all about your opponent's fear, anger and joy and what you can do to trigger, enforce or counter them. A blank stare is a good start but it won't take you all the way. What you need to pull off the ultimate poker face is an inner state of absolute blankess paired with a 100% focus aimed directly at your opponents and an intimidating appearance to go with that.

Poker Face Sun Glasses HoodDork
A player hiding behind sun glasses is a coward and a dork. He can't hide his emotions so he hides his eyes as if that is going to change anything and on top of that he thinks it makes him look cool. The player is weak, easily intimidated and 100% reliant on abc poker skills. He is the shit smeared under the shoes of the winners. The only thing worse than someone playing poker in sun glasses is someone playing poker in sun glasses AND hood. Add a set of bulky head phones to that and you got yourself a whole mini-universe of dorkiness waiting to implode under the pressure of reality. Score: 0

Poker Face FishFish
A small, stupid and easily intimidated life form without sense of direction or a higher purpose. Only slightly above vegetation in the food chain. Born to be eaten by others. That pretty much sums up the fish. Yet one must give it credit for it comes without preconceptions or illusions of any kind. It is completely blank. A tabula rasa. The reason being that nothing sticks to it. Reality to a fish is like water to a goose. It just shrugs it off. And the fish really does not have any other choice. After all, it can't remember shit. It just is. Until it gets eaten. Then it is no more. Score:

Poker Face Lady GagyLady Gaga
Let us continue with Lady Gagas poker face, which after all is the single most famous poker face in the world of today. The song is indecent and the video is an expedition into the land of cheap meat so it serves us and her just fine. Lady Gaga's poker face certainly is blank, with or without oversized Wayfarers, Gianni Versace #676 or Pucci #89850 sunglasses, and that is something we should give her credit for. However, the plastic over exposed porn star look instilled in her facial features utterly fails to intimidate and her sexy legs do not help her for in a game of poker they are under the table and her tits which fortunately are above the table are unfortunately not big enough to draw attention. Therefore she comes short. It is not a poker face to be intimidated by. It is just a face that you can piss on without feeling guilty. Score: 

Poker Face MonkeyMonkey
The monkey face is easy to read but that it is not much of a help for the majority of monkeys can't tell an under pair from an over pair or a straight from a flush. And should the particular monkey you are facing be able to tell different hands apart, unlikely as it may seem, there would be no way you could know for you can't tell one monkey from the other. The monkey could be holding any hand, whether it is smiling, sneering, screaming in anger, flinging chips or scratching its ass. Score: 

Poker Face HawkHawk
This is the kind of face you should fear. The stare is blank, yet sharp. The beak is ready to rip the flesh off your body, the claws are closing in on you and the grace in its descension is almost ominous. The hawk may not be the brightest creature around but it sees everything and strikes with swiftness and precision. All you can do is hope and pray that there is more accessible prey than you at the table. The hawk prefers small fry. You better be big, otherwise you will be dead. Score: 

Poker Face SharkShark
This is the ultimate poker face. The eyes are black holes of indifference. The mouth is enormous and jagged with razorsharp teeth. Everything about this poker face is intimidating and the only thing it gives away is an indifference to life and a mechanical appetite that can't be stilled. It can smell your blood before you even know that you are bleeding and it will finish you off in one terrifying bite. Be the shark or be shark feed. Score: